It had been almost a week since I last saw you. It's the first time we met, after you know how I feel about you. Tried to ask you out for lunch/dinner for few times, all turn down by you, as need to finish work in office. May be I should just let you decide when you are free and ready to meet for meal again.
It was Tuesday, when you were in club to attend the 5.30pm class. I was thinking a lot, of how would I or how should I react if you were in the class, but honestly, not what you saw on the day itself. I don't know how to describe how I felt when you were standing right in front of me, shy, may be more precise, Pai Seh. I can feel that you felt the same too. I so wanted to look into your eyes directly, but I was scared to do so, of what happened last week. I can only steal a glance at you when you were not looking at me. I don't know what was in your mind at that moment, but, honestly, it's hard to control myself not to look at you.
It was hard for me to concentrate, to conduct the class, and if you noticed, you would find I had said lots of things wrongly. Slowly, I gain control of myself, being more comfortable as the class go on. And slowly, I started to have eyes contact with you, gave you a smile.
I still remembered your expression when you listened to the intro of the songs, and look at me; and I just smile back at you. Thanks to that song, it broke the barrier between us. You continued to put back the equipments to their places, and there were just you and me when we were done. Managed to have a short chat with you. Hearing you telling me that you felt weak, made me worried, I did. All I can do, was to ask you to get something to eat before finish up your work, and head back home to rest early on that day. Was thinking to buy you some herbal drink, as you might start to feel the symptoms of falling sick, but I didn't. I know you would feel uncomfortable if I really do that.
My friends, whom know about the existence of you, would all told me that I'm being too sensitive over small thing, but that was what I felt, a brick wall between us, and I knew why it's there.
I'm now reading a book named "The Last Lecture" by Randy Paunch, a professor of Carnegie Mellon University, who passed away due to pancreatic cancer on July 2008. There is a chapter in the book telling the encounter between him and his wife. A brick wall in between them. He called home to talk to his parents about it, and his parents told him to be supportive if he loves her. And if she does love him, then love will win out. What makes me remember the most at the end of the story was, "Brick walls are there for a reason. They give us a chance to show how badly we want something."
I just want to share something with you. I know and I understand how you feel, of what you are going through now. And believe me, I honestly did. I don't dare to say the broke off I felt after a 7-years relationship had a stronger impact than yours, but the pain we both experienced, won't be much different.
I used to tell my ex long time ago before we broke off, that it would be the last time I involved in a relationship. If things don't work out for us, I would choose to move on without one in my life, and my ex would be the last. But months later after the broke off, I changed my mind. After all the incidents and news I heard about my ex, after our broke off, I just realised that it's the wrong person that I made such promise too. Ever wonder why they always said MR. RIGHT? Because it makes you think that HE is the RIGHT person that you could show your love, and share your life with. It's about the RIGHT or WRONG person, NOT the love.
There was once I talk to a close friend about how I felt after broke off, and I told him it's really tiring, and love HURTS. He just look at me and said, "Love DOESN'T hurt anyone, it's the human who used love to hurt others." Having a serious thinking of his statement, he has his point. Really, love doesn't hurt; it is human that is hurting each other, with love. We make a lot of promises when we were in love, without bothering if we could ever keep our words. And when we broke off, these promises were the one that hurt us the most. Why made so many promises when you know you can't keep it in the end of the day?
Lesson learned? I won't make any promise to make you happy. I would only show you with action. Actions speak louder than words. I would make you feel what I want you to know, with action, rather than blinded you with empty promises.
Along the journey of recovery from the broke off, I felt grateful of having a group of caring yet supportive friends that accompanied me throughout the process of recovery. If it was not because of them, I won't be standing up again with pride and joy in life, in just few months time. It takes time to recover, as it's a process for us to learn from the past relationship, so that we won't repeat the same mistake in the future relationship. Along the road of recovery, I did feel something with certain person, but was being rejected. We are friends now, which could share quite a number of things in life.
I remembered something like this from a book. "If you are a person who still believe and have faith in love, don't close up your heart, and wait for love to appear in front of you. If you don't give yourself a chance to try and get know of a person, how would you know if the next person is the right one for you? Everyone have the bad experience of the hurt felt and the painful memories of past. But, look around us, who of you know have a smooth relationship from the beginning? When you decide to close up your heart for a relationship that you know won't worth keeping, you might miss the person who would really bring you love and happiness."
I guess this would be the longest blog that I ever wrote till now. Just want you to know that, I respect your choice, as I understand what you are going through now. I do hope I would be given a chance to get to know you better, or for you to know me better. I'm not that complicated anyway, you could read me like an opened book, nothing hidden.
Do you notice besides SORRY, what word we used the most in our SMSes? NO WORRY! Sometimes I just can't help to think in such way that, why we worried? My answer is simple, because we CARE. What about you?
AFGAN - My Confession
Your smile brings light into my days
The tought of you, warms my night
To hold you in my arms
Even in my dreams it feels so right
Loving you...
You never see the way I look into your eyes
You never realize the love I feel Inside
Pain and sorrow that haunted me,
Cause words I've left unsaid
Now you found someone else to love
Deep in my heart, my love won't fade away
To hold you in my arms
Even in my dreams it feels so right loving you
You never see the way I look into your Eyes
You never realize the love I feel Inside
Pain and sorrow that haunted me,
Cause words I've left unsaid
You never see the way I look into your Eyes
You never realize the love I feel Inside
Pain and sorrow that haunted me,
Cause words I've left unsaid to you...
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